Chasing the Ape

Name's Dick Cheeseman, and I have been chasin' the ape for a decade now. When I say it like that I feel like I am making a confession to a priest or maybe standing up at a fuckin' AA meeting. But I ain't sinnin' and I ain't on the booze, I just have me an obsession of sorts, and if yall want to take the time to read what I'm writin' maybe you'll sorta understand where I'm comin' from.

Now like I was sayin', I've been on my quest of sorts for ten years. It hasn't made my life easy, but it's damn sure made it interestin'. Fore this all began, I was a regular guy. Thirty years old and had me a little house, wife, daughter, job, you know all the normal shit. I was more or less happy, but I was unaware. So, I guess this is as good a time as any as to tell ya how my unaware got away from me.

I was drivin' home in my old work van. Back then I had my own tile business. Called it Dick's Tile. I know, not super creative, but it was the fourth largest tile business in Lemon Lake County and I made pretty good dough. But damn did my back hurt like hell from being bent over all day layin' them heavy bitches all day. Shit, I'm loosing track of my story.

Member it like it was yesterday. Sun was going down and I was singin' long to “Butterfly” by Crazy Town on my radio. That was my shit and I still love that song. It was durin' that song that I lost my unaware when it walked right out onto that back road.

I slammed on my brakes and all my tools and shit in the back of my van went crashin' forward, but that was the last thing on my mind. It was stopped there right in the middle of the road right in my headlights looking at me as Crazy Town sang on.

He stood there just like a man, cept he was a hulkin' eight foot or more and covered with matted brown hair from the top of his huge head to his big feet. Ha, his big feet, that's what made my unaware up and vanish. That's there's a god damn bigfoot, I thought to myself.

Of course I didn't have no camera, and my phone was just a standard flip deal. So, all I could do was look. He was just standin' there chewin' and starin'. I was wonderin', what in the hell he's eatin'? I got my answer purty quick. He made a hawkin' sound like he was clearin' his throat and spit a juicy squirrel head right on my van windshield. Now, I ain't no sissy, but I did jump when that mother fucker hit the glass. Now along with a bigfoot, I had a lifeless squirrel head lookin' at me as it slid down on to my wiper blade.

I think he found his spittin' amusing, because he let out a growl that sounded like a laugh and bared his yellow teeth in a strange wild smile, before he shuffled into the woods in what to my shocked mind looked like he was dancing to Crazy Town.